counting the gray hairs

So I've been getting some odd catalogues lately. (Not as odd as the ones we got when we first moved in though: I feel like I know A LOT about the previous owners.) Yesterday's catalogue, though, has ensured that I will spend the rest of my life here dodging the mailman.

Behold:
Can you tell by the name?  How about the subtitle, "Support, Comfort, Independence"?Apparently some consumer algorithm's been tracking my spending habits at yarn stores, and concluded that I really am over 80 and in need of all kinds of orthopedic aids.

But it makes for interesting reading; Support Plus has an array of ingenious products and even more ingenious copy-writing.  Here's some of the best: a phone speaker headlined "Don't Miss the Joy of Friendly and Loving Phone Conversation!"  Aww, sweet.  I'm reminded of the awesome seminary video The Mailbox -- I'm trying desperately but unsuccessfully to find it online, first time youtube has ever failed me, but it's all about this lovely old lady who lives alone and spends her WHOLE DAY waiting for the mail. She never gets any letters, ever, because her grandchildren are ungrateful little slobs, and on one lonely trek to the mailbox she ends up slipping on the ice and dies cold and alone and is eaten by wolves.  Or maybe I dreamt that part. 

 Anyway, good movie, and that lovely old lady would've ADORED this catalogue.  And Friendly and Loving Phone Conversation could've brightened her lonely days.

Another attention-grabber promises you can FINALLY "Overcome the Difficulties of Cutting Toenails!"  As we all know, "getting to the toenail cutting position is hard enough. This clipper multiplies your hand strength and helps prevent injury. Very well made."  Toenail cutting injuries? I think I just came up with a great new House episode.

I also heart the $4.95 non-slip rubber doorknob sleeve, with, get this, anti-microbial protection.  I'm adding this to my Thanksgiving litany: I'm grateful to be able to turn doorknobs on my own.   Even if they ARE covered in microbes.

OK, just found a super excellent product and just in time for the holidays: you can "Maintain Independence & Hygeine" with a Self Wipe Toliet Aid.  It's "helpful and discreet, for people who have difficulty performing self-hygiene when using the toilet."  Hee.  White elephant gift, anyone?